This isn't a generic OWD post.

A young friend is having trouble dealing with coming home from Iraq this past January.

So much of my Iraq writing has been moved to the private setting, as has much of my writing about the first few months when I got home. I've stopped writing about the dreams and about the desire to go back because I'm not sure that I know how to deal with it all.

There are times when I want to be out there, walking down the streets of Baghdad with some infantry unit or rattling along in the back of a Bradley.  There are days when I want to wander down the flight line and find Dave and OB, and see if they'd mind if I tagged along on a mission. 

There are days when I want to forget the stench of the slaughtering grounds, and the scorching heat, the pain that comes when you don't piss for 14 hours but you're still drinking enough water to float the Titanic. 

There are days when I don't know what I want.  There are days when I don't care about much and there are days when I just want to scream.

Anyone here that hasn't felt similar? The older I get the more the memory of dreams merge with real memories. What can one say other than she's not alone?

One of the things about Viet Nam and past conflicts is the way most vets have been able to compartmentalize and move on, others are still struggling. So I can't tell her it'll certainly get better.

I met WWII vets who still have nightmares, even helped a few with PTSD claims.

It comes down to this, I think, most (a huge majority) do get over it and move on. The overall experience most certainly will continue to shape our lives, but it's unlikely to be the prime mover for most.

Any thoughts?

[update] I wrestled with it, saved it as draft and fiddled some more. I just couldn't hit the nail on the head. Finally I gave up and posted it as is, with the question at the end.

This is an area where OWD might shine, doesn't matter much if I ain't driving. Some young warriors need some help, maybe it ain't 'carrying ammo', but it's no less important.

*** Bill Faith adds:

Zero, please forgive me for hitching a ride on your post instead of doing something separate; I promise not to do this sort of thing often. You hit me where I live and maybe I'm not thinking real clear right now. I'm also fixin' to violate a copyright law. What're they gonna do, draft me and send me to Nam? Maybe since all I have is a poor quality 3rd-generation monaural copy of something I originally bought on vinyl they won't hang me too high. F**k 'em if they can't take a joke.

You know how sometimes a song gets stuck in your head and you just can't quit replaying it in your mind? For me that song is "Still in Saigon." I doubt I'm alone, but some days it sure as hell feels like it. Give your friend a hug for me.

Contributed by Zero Ponsdorf on August 26, 2006 at 02:46 PM in Best of Old War Dogs, Bill Faith, Caring about our troops, Coming home, The American Warrior, Zero Ponsdorf | Permalink

Comments

Posted by: Bill Faith

You know how sometimes a song gets stuck in your head and you just can't quit replaying it in your mind? For me that song is "Still in Saigon." I doubt I'm alone.

Not the most elegant writing the blog has ever seen -- you've done better yourself and so have others -- but you've nailed something I think a  lot of us have in common. Moving it to the top of the site.

Posted by: Bill Faith | Aug 26, 2006 2:58:17 PM

Posted by: Anna

Prayers for peaceful dreams, guys!

Posted by: Anna | Aug 26, 2006 4:30:16 PM

Posted by: Mike

The first step, I think, is to realize that you're not alone and that's it's perfectly normal to feel that way. Writing has always helped me deal with those demons but ultimately, you have to make friends with it because it will be sharing space with you for the rest of your life. And don't be afraid to talk to other vets about it....we're you're family, after all!

Posted by: Mike | Aug 28, 2006 12:18:10 PM

Posted by: Rurik

I want to echo Mike's advice. Definitely adjust and make friends with it. Eventually, what may seem awkward today will become a source of pride, and even strength. Read the other posts in our "coming home section". You will recognize that each day of your life from now on is gravy, an extended second chance.
And if you do succeed in talking your friends Dave and OB into taking you along...put in an ask if they can also make room for an old guy, a guy who can't move as fast, but still could carry a ruck even 36 years later. If they say yes, just give a holler for....

Posted by: Rurik | Aug 28, 2006 8:22:24 PM

Posted by: Rosemary

Dear Zero,
Thank you for words of compassion. I have always felt the need to comfort others. Since I do not know exactly what your friend is going through (how could I?), please forgive anything ignorant I may say.

I do believe we need to remember that we are not civilized people. The way we live is not normal. This is an oddity, an experiment. If we eat meat, we think nothing of it. We understand we must survive. It is same thing in these times, as in past, that we must fight for our liberty.

I have had my own little battles (stabbing), and for 9 months I could not touch even a butter knife. I got tired of letting that fear eat at me, so I forced myself to do what I could not. I touched it. It was not necessary for me to pick it up. The fear of even touching it had me hamstrung. It came down to me or the fear. I must admit, that fear got me for a long time. Notice I only touched it?

Yeah, it took longer to pick one up, and even longer to touch a sharp knife. Oh, btw, did I tell you they declared me dead? Yeah. Imagine hearing that and not being able to respond! (This happened in 1987. The nightmares and panic are still right below the surface.)

I guess what I'm saying is those nightmares and 'gray' feelings can get out of hand if we allow them to control us. I agree with you that she is not alone. If only it didn't feel that way no matter where you are...

Give my best prayers to your friend. I guess maybe I didn't really say that much with all these words. Too many words usually mean nothing. Thanks.

Posted by: Rosemary | Aug 30, 2006 1:14:46 PM